tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64702215088579491562024-03-20T15:59:27.125-07:00you & i & we (make five)amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-57260937077538916012011-01-21T20:05:00.000-08:002011-01-21T20:07:48.725-08:00new home.i am now over here <br /><br /><a href="http://theholyordinary.blogspot.com">the holy ordinary</a>amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-47404720554977832102011-01-15T06:32:00.001-08:002011-01-15T06:32:25.256-08:00the daily joy.i am trying to learn to be joyful when im cleaning the toilet, when im wiping the puke from the floor for the fifth time when we are all suffering from that dreaded stomach virus At The Same Time, when a frustrated five year old is in my face telling me exactly what he thinks of a situation, when a three year old wakes the 8 month old Just as she was falling asleep to nap, when i have less than 3 hours of sleep & a full day plus work ahead of me, when trying to figure out our homeschooling rhythm for next fall, when reading books that are dense but for a class, a gift, i have chosen to be a part of, when my hair keeps falling out & with those last 10 pounds of pregnancy weight that seem to be going nowhere (oh how different my body is this time, having had two boys before. ruby's womb-time seems to have changed me so much, physically!)<br /><br />true joy. not the gritting-you-teeth-holding-your-tongue-fighting-back-tears-of-frustration joy, but joy that all these things are done in service. that None of these things -- my husband, my precious children, my home, my Life -- are mine. they are all God's. <br /><br />& it is a constant work, a constant practice, a constant learning to let go, to not think for a minute i have a hold of anything. <br /><br />just a vessel, hopefully a Light.amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-53843215301729063092011-01-12T04:48:00.000-08:002011-01-12T04:56:14.213-08:00liturgy & rhythm.having three little ones five & under, for Me, means not having the time to sit down & journal, or write on here, or get pictures developed, or paint a canvas.... <br /><br />anyhow... i am hoping to start writing here more...to Find the time to document ouyr days.<br /><br />our family words for 2011 are liturgy & rhythm. (more on these later)amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-22702267455845142262010-08-25T10:53:00.000-07:002010-08-25T10:55:51.670-07:00growing painsit is quiet here this morning. <br /><br />ruby is taking her short morning nap & my boys are with my parents for the day. they spent the night with them last night, the first time since before ruby came to join us, & i thought i would relish in the quiet. in not having to convince my five year old to go back to bed time & time again. to not have to get up to get my three year old a sip of soymilk in the middle of the night. to not have to wake matthew so he could go & lay down with both of them because they're up again, & i'm nursing ruby. <br /><br />instead of basking in the quiet last night, i felt awkward. not sure what to do -- do i paint? do i sleep? do we just hang out? we opted for sharing dinner together & hanging out, a low-key evening that was definitely enjoyable & lovely. <br /><br />but i kept waking up. at 3AM i toyed with the idea of just staying up, but i knew if i did that i would be a mess by the time i got to work tonight. so i just welcomed the waking, said a prayer for my boys, for my Love, for my little girl, for myself. <br /><br />i ask, i always ask, for more patience, more kindness, more self-control, more Joy shining through my face. do they know i enJoy them? or do they only see my frustrations? do they know they make my heart sing songs i never knew it could sing? or do they only see my tired eyes? <br /><br />i am enjoying, basking in the quiet today. i am praying. a LOT. i want them to see the joy in my heart every day. i want them to know in their deepest place that i love them completely, unconditionally, regardless of the days events. regardless of my exhaustion. in spite of my brokeness. <br /><br />what a beautiful, growing gift my children are to me. <br /><br />i am learning to welcome the growing pains.amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-70080916792310091652010-07-06T14:16:00.001-07:002010-07-06T14:16:33.261-07:00ruby, 10.5 weeks<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/theselittlelights/4768669341/" title="10.5 weeks by little lights, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4137/4768669341_84d4de9802.jpg" width="500" height="333" alt="10.5 weeks " /></a>amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-87843868976820585322010-07-01T09:24:00.001-07:002010-07-01T09:27:21.782-07:00sunrise<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJB3j4JM4W8SSt0gwX4wFOBXnH4dSmR0uBdtUOOwITPU2FAC38M7a0JAfg6sZBpPr6SNHQk7Dci1thLk_u_PS288bV2lXCXmSU_VaXY3kPQXsGccoxOGzMGikycav7ohBoe7ipED50JRE/s1600/porch.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJB3j4JM4W8SSt0gwX4wFOBXnH4dSmR0uBdtUOOwITPU2FAC38M7a0JAfg6sZBpPr6SNHQk7Dci1thLk_u_PS288bV2lXCXmSU_VaXY3kPQXsGccoxOGzMGikycav7ohBoe7ipED50JRE/s320/porch.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5488975134936312658" /></a><br /><br />You can<br />die for it--<br />an idea,<br />or the world. People<br /><br />have done so,<br />brilliantly,<br />letting<br />their small bodies be bound<br /><br />to the stake,<br />creating<br />an unforgettable<br />fury of light. But<br /><br />this morning,<br />climbing the familiar hills<br />in the familiar<br />fabric of dawn, I thought<br /><br />of China,<br />and India<br />and Europe, and I thought<br />how the sun<br /><br />blazes<br />for everyone just<br />so joyfully<br />as it rises<br /><br />under the lashes<br />of my own eyes, and I thought<br />I am so many!<br />What is my name?<br /><br />What is the name<br />of the deep breath I would take<br />over and over<br />for all of us? Call it<br /><br />whatever you want, it is<br />happiness, it is another one<br />of the ways to enter<br />fire.<br /><br />(mary oliver)amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-49472362493101751762010-06-24T12:16:00.000-07:002010-06-24T12:21:15.357-07:00pulling away<a href="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3633/3371981052_5038eed142.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 333px; height: 500px;" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3633/3371981052_5038eed142.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />i'm a bundle of emotions lately, as i always am a few weeks before i return to working outside the home. i am only gone for twentyish hours a week, but it weighs heavily on me, trying to always strike that balance. for me, it has always been good to have a little work-time away from home. i'm a little more sane. but it is exhausting, & i am tired already, though not as tired as i thought i would be. during this time especially, i feel a great need to stay away from the computer, to not squander my time away during the day doing anything other than Being with my children, even if we are all cranky because it's super hot & has been for awhile. how do you cool an old house down, when it's 88 degrees inside in the middle of the night with the air conditioner on & fans going? <br /><br />i pray for rain. and lots of it.amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-54927478004034843572010-06-14T14:15:00.001-07:002010-06-14T14:20:48.035-07:00noah is five.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgScyDZnSh_m9VR244WSR6ul2hdTRUKkvbC-_BEl24E2wU7FMYio-81yPPqXdBbgAqYLxEqME4582BitTbvKsT9CDs5RIBqnHeNWAVW-zB2NLiNKiiwRPHo1JpaE36uq3mbdBmOuD7xtbw/s1600/noahisfive2.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgScyDZnSh_m9VR244WSR6ul2hdTRUKkvbC-_BEl24E2wU7FMYio-81yPPqXdBbgAqYLxEqME4582BitTbvKsT9CDs5RIBqnHeNWAVW-zB2NLiNKiiwRPHo1JpaE36uq3mbdBmOuD7xtbw/s320/noahisfive2.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5482741709410318450" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwz_JLZhKmPOhRoV9-VRX_v87jMI9q4yIf7QbjP2IfmASl8gRRAyOJ0qA9SsIucJjLfE-S0Myk9GXCSuiKAADhdYblKspWXeo2I5vKlc1Y9P0FuKODOakNnjcCv41cNwGQA9OrJd6jTnU/s1600/noahisfive.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 213px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwz_JLZhKmPOhRoV9-VRX_v87jMI9q4yIf7QbjP2IfmASl8gRRAyOJ0qA9SsIucJjLfE-S0Myk9GXCSuiKAADhdYblKspWXeo2I5vKlc1Y9P0FuKODOakNnjcCv41cNwGQA9OrJd6jTnU/s320/noahisfive.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5482741698836233922" /></a><br /><br /><center><b>So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten <br />Sons are like birds, flying upward over the mountain <br />(iron & wine)</center></b><br /><br />noah was two days old when he heard this song; it was part of our routine, to put on a record when we were rocking him or when i was nursing him. & when he was a little older, i would swing & sway to whatever we put on, standing close so he could watch the record spin. today he is five & still completely absorbed in records. he has more vinyl than i ever did; & while there are some he doesn't listen to really, most of it he does. i gave him two more apple 45's today, & i don't think he's put them down yet. <br /><br />i can't believe it's been five years already. five years since i counted his fingers & toes a million times. i was such a nervous new mama, & definitely passed along some of my anxiety to him. but each day, each year, he is growing in his confidence. he is smarter than i ever imagined a five year old would be. his ridiculous, photographic memory can be intense sometimes. he is headstrong & obsessive about what he loves, and his laughter makes my eyes sparkle. he is such a joy. a hard joy, sometimes. but a true, honest, gritty, messy, beautiful joy. <br /><br />i am so, so lucky.amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-29580763078162246902010-06-04T07:46:00.000-07:002010-06-04T07:49:00.985-07:00hair.my hair tries to teach me things, spiritually. <br />i'm serious!<br /><br />but i don't listen much. <br />or try to hear other things.amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-47000563778956838112010-05-31T10:48:00.001-07:002010-05-31T10:48:39.687-07:00it's all vanity.the house is a steady 81 degrees at night, maybe dipping a few degrees lower just before sunrise. fans in strategic windows to pull in the cooler night air, giving thanks for this weather even though i haven't adjusted to the heat yet. little ruby gets prickly heat on her neck, face, arms, as the days get warmer & warmer. i was the same way, and still turn every shade of pink & red during the summer months. maybe a dozen more freckles, maybe my hair gets a little lighter(grayer?), but mostly i'm just pink.<br /><br />i've got a handful of little notebooks going, one for this & one for that, trying to get stuff out of my Head & at least onto paper. from there? who knows. i write down what i eat, craft projects, goals, mothering things, spiritual things, menus, thoughts... it's getting more complex than it should be, probably, but putting all of this information in one journal just isn't making sense to me right now.<br /><br />& we have a resident cardinal, "red" is his name says noah. he sings to us all day & hangs out on the porch railing a lot. we need to get more birdseed out. <br /><br />half of my maternity leave is over already, & so i must start thinking about my return & what that means & getting a stash of milk going in the freezer. all of that good stuff. there is always transition, always change, always something going on so that i never get too comfortable. <br /><br />new beginnings, starting over, everything's new, everything's the same, there's nothing new under the sun.amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-30427617352143103822010-05-27T08:28:00.000-07:002010-05-27T10:28:37.563-07:00pilgrim eyes.i feel so full lately. i try to sit down to write in my paper journal or Here, and i just feel too full & like i'll explode into a million little pretty pieces if i actually write it all down. it's a weird & good feeling. <br /><br />there are these little(big) things, like how i've noticed the subtle changes in Noah's face... how he's growing up & gaining confidence in himself & there are these moments where the joy in his eyes is almost too much. he will be five(FIVE! 5!) in just a few weeks & it's safe to say i'm pretty shocked this time has gone so quickly. <br /><br />& jonah, he's my own billy eliot & ridiculously funny & very,very stubborn & headstrong. he's taken to asserting himself pretty strongly at times since ruby was born, & we're still trying to figure out the best way to deal with that.<br /><br />ruby june, who taught me so much about patience while i, while we, waited for her, sleeps through all the noise two little boys make & squeaks, purrs & hums when the house is quiet. she has this amazing smile where her half-moon eyes close & turn up & her mouth opens into a half-giggle half-smile, and she sleeps so well i don't even want to talk about it. but after having both boys that were up every two hours to nurse, and especially jonah, who nursed every two hours through the night until he weaned himself this last fall, i say a grateful prayer every time ruby snoozes away for anything more than two hours at a time. <br /><br />matthew, whose steadiness guides me along when i'm having a particularly emotional or hormone-driven crazy day, who keeps the diaper laundry going (& there is so much diaper laundry right now with two in cloth), who always asks me what i want to eat & makes sure i'm getting good foods in my belly... his smile really does just make everything better. there are days when i count the minutes til he gets home, and it's not just so i can have a break with the kids. i really do miss him, he brings so much joy inside, we are a team & we work best when we work together, i think. of course we are all still adjusting to the new Newness, to yet another transition, to the heat of the impending summer, & many other things, but we are in this together & there is not a day i don't give thanks for that really huge detail. <br /><br />& the peonies, how they filled my home with the most beautiful scent. how i want my arm covered in peonies & maybe in a few months i'll sit down for more tattoo work, to finish what i started. peonies & lillies & st. john the baptist & his gnarly hair, feet... that charley harper hummingbird & maybe one of his owls, too. how Divine, truly, the breeze is at night, coming through the windows. how i'm glad i don't have everything i want. how things keep breaking, like our sink & our toilet & the downspouts & my teeth & how the porch roof leaks & how none of this matters. it's all still beautiful. it all gets fixed, or not. & life is still beautiful. <br /><br />& sometimes my days are all about survival. sometimes my voice is louder than it should be. sometimes i talk too much & pick at my children as if they were my peers & Not My Children, my precious gifts that are just that, <i>gifts</i>. sometimes i have to ask for their forgiveness more than once. sometimes mama needs her own little break in the bathroom or on the porch to get herSelf Together. & yet their eyes still melt my heart during those times, and they accept my apologies with a divine gentleness & a Knowing...a knowing that i hope is a buffer from my brokeness, sometimes. we were given to each other, we are in this together. they are more my teachers, my guides, than i feel like i could ever be for them. but that is what i am called to be -- their guide, their teacher, their Mother, their mama. <br /><br /><br />& this is life, this is Love -- this is Messy. & it is beautiful. <br /><br />& i am grateful.amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-90095688101374705132010-05-19T12:52:00.000-07:002010-05-19T12:53:12.118-07:00these days.life is really hard & really wonderful & full of tears & full of laughter & even though sometimes i'm totally overwhelmed by it All -- the good and the bad, i wouldn't change it for anything.amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-89098107352927164192010-05-15T17:39:00.001-07:002010-05-15T18:16:48.859-07:00ruby's birth.i had just gone back to bed after getting up to use the bathroom & get another drink of water. i was a bothered because i *had* to pee again! so, i rolled out of bed again & as soon as i stood up, i realised i didn't have to pee; my water had broke! i did a quiet little happy dance all the way back to the bathroom to check & see if there was mec in the waters or if it was clear, & when it was clear i did another little happy dance. it was 2.30 in the morning on friday, april 23rd, and i was 42 weeks & 5 days pregnant.<br /><br />i gathered myself a bit & woke matthew up, telling him my water had finally broke. he hopped up & started sweeping the floor. (for some reason i asked him weeks before that when i told him i was in labor it would be awesome if he would sweep the floors!) i called grace, my midwife, to let her know. (she was pregnant too, & ended up having her own little girl five days after i gave birth. the night before, we had discussed a ton of different scenarios, and what we were going to do about them... if she went into labor when she was attending my birth, if she had her baby before i had mine, etc etc...) she did a happy dance too! we talked for a few minutes & i told her i would call her back when things started to pick up.<br /><br />matthew & i hung out, got some things together for the boys, made coffee, did some dishes... just sort of puttered around the house a bit for a few hours. i sat on the balance ball a lot, & was having contractions that seemed regular, (we haven't *timed* contractions with any of my births), but they weren't too intense. finally though, around 5 am, i decided to call my parents to come & pick up the boys. as soon as they were pulling out of the driveway with the boys, the surges definitely got more intense. i called our doula around 6, and grace again around 6.30.<br /><br />matthew turned some music on (of course i didn't want the birth mix i had worked on, now!) & i set myself up in the dining room, sitting on the ball & leaning onto a stack of pillows on the table. matthew sat with me, holding my hands, through each contraction. it was really divine, to have a little bit of time to labor with just matthew. we would talk or just look at each other in between the contractions, & it just felt very sacred.<br /><br />i didn't hear eileen come in, but she put her hands on my back & helped release my hips a little during a contraction. it was great to have her here; she has such a gentle voice & a very mother-earthy-lovely presence about her. she was a little more chatty than i expected, but i knew that my senses were extremely heightened so it didn't really bother me. when grace showed up, she just sat across from me at the table, holding the space & observing while i was working. i was very quiet & wasn't being vocal throughout the contractions this time, even though they seemed<br />to be just as intense as they were when i was birthing jonah. i was really, really focused on my breathing & praying through each surge. i stood up once for grace to get a listen to ruby, and noticed my legs were shaking. i thought maybe i was in transition but then thought there was no way; i was too lucid & things weren't that intense yet.<br /><br />around 9 am, i got up to use the restroom & when i came out eileen & grace were putting the kettle on for tea. we all talked for a few minutes about tea & i said i was hungry so matthew gave me a granola bar to munch on. we walked around the house a bit, trying to decide what to listen to, & just chit-chatted for a good twenty minutes. i remember looking at the clock & seeing how light we were all being & thinking that i had at least 3 or 4 more hours to go... & then, at 9.30, i sat back down on the balance ball & the next contraction was much more powerful. i wasn't comfortable sitting so i stood up. grace asked me where i wanted to have ruby & i said the living room (we sleep on the futon there), & so she said it'd probably be a good idea to make our way there. i kind of laughed at her, thinking there was no way i was close to having ruby, i mean i couldn't *feel* her the way i had felt jonah moving down... & things just didn't feel heavy enough. (& we didn't do any cervical checks because i was group B + & didn't want to have any unless grace felt it was necessary). but anyway, i took a step towards the living room & had another intense contraction -- those lovely double peaks with little recovery time -- & with every step another surge came. it took me almost an hour to take 10 steps!<br /><br />once i reached the bed, i tried sitting on my hands & knees but wasn't comfortable. i leaned over the ball on the bed, but wasn't comfortable with that either. i told grace i wanted to lay down, and eileen sat at my feet & had me put one foot on her shoulder. immediately my body just started pushing like a mad woman, & i started screaming (grace, eileen & matthew all say i wasn't screaming, but just sounding really primal & really serious about birthing ruby. but my voice was hoarse the rest of the day!) in one push i could feel ruby come down & eileen mentioned she was going to support my perineum with some sweet almond oil on a washcloth. grace sat up right beside me. with the next push i felt ruby's head come out, & just then eileen said i had pushed her out to her cheeks. for some reason, this really freaked me out & i closed my eyes & i must have looked upset or scared, because grace very gently told me to open my eyes & to look at her; that ruby was fine & with the next contraction she would be out so to just focus on that & not worry about her. (i had asked grace to keep me present when i was pushing ruby out, because with jonah i was still so torn about the women i knew who had lost their babies during childbirth that i just Wanted Him Out & pushed with the mindset that i needed to get him out so that i knew he was okay... & i wanted to let that go this time & trust God & my body that ruby would be how she was supposed to be, whatever that looked like.) grace's words definitely grounded me & with the next push ruby was here. it was 10.55. she didn't make a sound, just looked around & i just sat there for a few moments talking to her & touching her, asking her to stay in her body, & then i picked her up & brought her to my chest. her cord had been wrapped loosely around her neck once. about 20 minutes later i pushed the placenta out. it had a few very large blood clots in it & a few calcifications. (grace was pretty certain the clots were formed after<br />i had birthed ruby). after another hour or so matthew clamped & cut the umbilical cord & grace prepared my placenta so i could make placenta smoothies everyday for a few months.after that, she prepared the most wonderful herb bath for me & checked me before i went to soak; no tearing! i had tears with noah & jonah & was shocked that i didn't tear this time. i also had a cervical prolapse with jonah's birth, and this time there was nothing like that.<br /><br />i took my bath, fell asleep in it for about half an hour, got out & dressed & went back to bed with my new & perfect little girl.<br /><br /><br /><br />She is more precious than rubies,<br />and none of the things you desire can compare with her.<br />Long life is in her right hand;<br />in her left hand are riches and honor.<br />Her ways are very pleasant,<br />and all her paths are peaceful.<br />She is like a tree of life to those who obtain her,<br />and everyone who grasps hold of her will be blessed.<br /><br />proverbs 3:15-18amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-50899798593442851672010-05-09T08:11:00.001-07:002010-05-09T08:11:58.834-07:00happy mother's day<center><br />TO WASH A CHILD<br />by Pablo Neruda<br /><br />Only the most ancient love on earth<br />will wash and comb the statue of the children,<br />straighten the feet and knees.<br />The water rises, the soap slithers,<br />and the pure body comes up to breathe<br />the air of flowers and motherhood.<br /><br />Oh, the sharp watchfulness,<br />the sweet deception,<br />the lukewarm struggle!<br /><br />Now the hair is a tangled<br />pelt criscrossed by charcoal,<br />by sawdust and oil,<br />soot, wiring, crabs,<br />until love, in its patience,<br />sets up buckets and sponges,<br />combs and towels,<br />and, out of scrubbing and combing, amber,<br />primal scrupulousness, jasmines,<br />has emerged the child, newer still,<br />running from the mother's arms<br />to clamber again on its cyclone,<br />go looking for mud, oil, urine and ink,<br />hurt itself, roll about on the stones.<br />Thus, newly washed, the child springs into life,<br />for later, it will have time for nothing more<br />than keeping clean, but with the life lacking.<br /><br /></center>amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-54707096157463832962010-05-07T12:29:00.000-07:002010-05-07T12:30:22.523-07:00i have found such joyI have found such joy in simple things;<br />A plain, clean room, a nut-brown loaf of bread<br />A cup of milk, a kettle as it sings,<br />The shelter of a roof above my head,<br />And in a leaf-laced square along the floor,<br />Where yellow sunlight glimmers through a door.<br /><br /> <br /><br />I have found such joy in things that fill<br />My quiet days: a curtain's blowing grace,<br />A potted plant upon my window sill,<br />A rose, fresh-cut and placed within a vase;<br />A table cleared, a lamp beside a chair,<br />And books I long have loved beside me there.<br /><br /> <br /><br />Oh, I have found such joys I wish I might<br />Tell every woman who goes seeking far<br />For some elusive, feverish delight,<br />That very close to home the great joys are:<br />The elemental things-- old as the race, <br />Yet never, through the ages, commonplace.<br /><br /> <br /><br />(Grace Noll Crowell)amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-40675607648615778152010-05-03T08:02:00.000-07:002010-05-03T08:22:27.973-07:00nine days.she's been here nine days & it's as if she has been with us always, well, because she has. & of course there are growing pains with every transition, with every new being under the same roof, sharing the same air & spoons & attention... but so far it has been a relatively smooth ride. i see in her a tenderness, a wisdom, a peace. & the amazing ability to sleep through all the noise her brothers can possibly make. <br /><br />so everything's new again & everything is the same. <br /><br />& it may be a little too early to say for sure, but i think all the waiting, the longing... & waiting again for her arrival gave birth in me a new found pocket of patience. <br /><br />or maybe it's the placenta smoothies.amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-49696155743426570602010-04-24T14:19:00.001-07:002010-04-24T14:21:04.434-07:00ruby june.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXWjJ4W_BI7nQEHXx70AP4iUiFipgC5iJADjYEwM3DM_MyPrPC03uxLTcsO7fkpu_s6_JD1FHAJAbMZ5u-UfqBkrjWNbc35KtFZNwnqqIr3MhsmfqgD5sgqb2mg3F2QqM_QVQzKqngGNI/s1600/rubyshere3.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 235px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXWjJ4W_BI7nQEHXx70AP4iUiFipgC5iJADjYEwM3DM_MyPrPC03uxLTcsO7fkpu_s6_JD1FHAJAbMZ5u-UfqBkrjWNbc35KtFZNwnqqIr3MhsmfqgD5sgqb2mg3F2QqM_QVQzKqngGNI/s320/rubyshere3.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5463816935980759554" /></a><br /><br /><br />born at home<br />april 23, 2010<br />10.55 am<br />8 lbs, 22 inchesamanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-60927694603678940562010-04-22T08:38:00.000-07:002010-04-22T08:40:07.319-07:00a little dress for ruby<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIM8unxKT1O2Ogfup-nTIc0RXd7fak8JP683SaEywdP0ZsI3DjSdtP_bAVizTHHDbGoKcjHBq6dm38I-rp0SwIGBK40lij14GRzoxSffvCkwurbMEM8RU4vuafNzbCuMxe2aUfGB-8KoE/s1600/forruby.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 319px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIM8unxKT1O2Ogfup-nTIc0RXd7fak8JP683SaEywdP0ZsI3DjSdtP_bAVizTHHDbGoKcjHBq6dm38I-rp0SwIGBK40lij14GRzoxSffvCkwurbMEM8RU4vuafNzbCuMxe2aUfGB-8KoE/s320/forruby.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5462986915339428802" /></a><br /><br /><center><br />dear ruby,<br /><br />i bought this dress for you last week. i fell in love with the colors & even though you don't need another dress, i just had to buy it. <br /><br />please come soon! i love carrying you inside, but i am growing impatient, wanting to kiss your little fingers & nurse you. i am ready for all those sleepless nights again. <br /><br />love always,<br />your very most extremely pregnant mama<br />(42 weeks, 4 days)<br /><br /></center>amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-43534556815429203372010-04-15T06:36:00.001-07:002010-04-15T06:37:03.906-07:00in the meantime...dear ruby,<br /><br />i mopped the floors this morning.<br /><br />i love you!<br />please come soon, otherwise i'll have to mop <i>again.</i><br /><br />love,<br />mamaamanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-8441008040605035772010-04-11T11:29:00.001-07:002010-04-11T11:30:40.792-07:0040 weeks, 7 days<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoE3yBktYGm_4u40TrKwSL7MvsLSobn2OVvIW0YrYm6a0g-U16eD7PyakN5COvD9jfAhjO7w_eyfw2pgbbIdJW64H0HdsnlGXVLH6phTcnissE3z93Hyv58Xl2_tJ8wWdk5UYkCqKdTNo/s1600/40weeks7.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 180px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoE3yBktYGm_4u40TrKwSL7MvsLSobn2OVvIW0YrYm6a0g-U16eD7PyakN5COvD9jfAhjO7w_eyfw2pgbbIdJW64H0HdsnlGXVLH6phTcnissE3z93Hyv58Xl2_tJ8wWdk5UYkCqKdTNo/s320/40weeks7.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5458949092744425426" /></a>amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-91976175168480102002010-04-09T09:01:00.001-07:002010-04-09T09:01:24.306-07:00attitude“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.” (chuck swindoll)amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-82640859908184020962010-04-06T07:58:00.001-07:002010-04-06T07:58:27.775-07:00the wish to be generousALL that I serve will die, all my delights,<br />the flesh kindled from my flesh, garden and field,<br />the silent lilies standing in the woods,<br />the woods, the hill, the whole earth, all<br />will burn in man's evil, or dwindle<br />in its own age. Let the world bring on me<br />the sleep of darkness without stars, so I may know<br />my little light taken from me into the seed<br />of the beginning and the end, so I may bow<br />to mystery, and take my stand on the earth<br />like a tree in a field, passing without haste<br />or regret toward what will be, my life<br />a patient willing descent into the grass.<br /><br />-wendell berry-amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-86927189592742449172010-04-03T06:39:00.000-07:002010-04-03T06:43:12.046-07:0039 weeks, 6 days.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSY8EFPXlNqHpY7oKqpYZmvtfd9tuUdMtkxvAolYyL7BYl8rb8rXmuTg-vTJ9JuiXRBnRGL_eAMilnwilAXWtYHzZ9UpeCw_l9NgYW0LNk2wTFq100h_W9Jf6uH_vTq-ELnZb_zgCrocU/s1600/39weeks6days.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 227px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSY8EFPXlNqHpY7oKqpYZmvtfd9tuUdMtkxvAolYyL7BYl8rb8rXmuTg-vTJ9JuiXRBnRGL_eAMilnwilAXWtYHzZ9UpeCw_l9NgYW0LNk2wTFq100h_W9Jf6uH_vTq-ELnZb_zgCrocU/s320/39weeks6days.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5455905660558504226" /></a><br /><br /><br />dear ruby,<br /><br />are you waiting for me to mop the floors before you'll come? i know i promised mopped floors, but i keep forgetting or just don't feel like it once everyone is in bed for the night. the house is clean, we've got lots of food around, the birth pool is in the kitchen if we decide we want to use it, & i love you. we love you & can't wait to see your beautiful face! & fingers & toes & bellies, too.<br /><br />love always,<br />mamaamanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-16857732665090722062010-03-20T18:14:00.000-07:002010-03-20T18:15:31.192-07:00waiting.<center><br />Waiting<br /><br />Dear Baby, here beneath my heart,<br />I thought that you might come today;<br />The timing seemed just right.<br /><br />But the stars are out<br />And the moon is high<br />And sheepishly I wonder why<br />I try to arrange the plans<br />Of God.<br /><br />For now I know<br />You will not come<br />Until the One who holds eternity<br />Rustles your soft cocoon<br />And whispers in tones that I will not hear,<br />“It’s time, precious gift.”<br /><br />“Now it’s time.”<br /><br />-by Robin Jones Gunn<br /><br /><br /></center><br /><br />:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::<br /><br />i did not think ruby was coming tonight, but i've entered that state of waiting. of doing the dishes, and waiting. doing the laundry, taking walks, playing, coloring, sleeping, bathing, cooking, eating, praying, and waiting. it is a holy time.amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6470221508857949156.post-49735038485260154912010-03-15T06:59:00.001-07:002010-03-15T07:00:02.290-07:00sabbath VII<center><br />The clearing rests in song and shade.<br />It is a creature made<br />By old light held in soil and leaf,<br />By human joy and grief,<br />By human work,<br />Fidelity of sight and stroke,<br />By rain, by water on<br />The parent stone.<br />We join our work to Heaven's gift,<br />Our hope to what is left,<br />That field and woods at last agree<br />In an economy<br />Of widest worth.<br />High Heaven's Kingdom come on earth.<br />Imagine Paradise.<br />O Dust, arise!<br /><br />wendell berry<br /><br /></center>amanda.http://www.blogger.com/profile/15496010968657692914noreply@blogger.com0