new home.

i am now over here

the holy ordinary

the daily joy.

i am trying to learn to be joyful when im cleaning the toilet, when im wiping the puke from the floor for the fifth time when we are all suffering from that dreaded stomach virus At The Same Time, when a frustrated five year old is in my face telling me exactly what he thinks of a situation, when a three year old wakes the 8 month old Just as she was falling asleep to nap, when i have less than 3 hours of sleep & a full day plus work ahead of me, when trying to figure out our homeschooling rhythm for next fall, when reading books that are dense but for a class, a gift, i have chosen to be a part of, when my hair keeps falling out & with those last 10 pounds of pregnancy weight that seem to be going nowhere (oh how different my body is this time, having had two boys before. ruby's womb-time seems to have changed me so much, physically!)

true joy. not the gritting-you-teeth-holding-your-tongue-fighting-back-tears-of-frustration joy, but joy that all these things are done in service. that None of these things -- my husband, my precious children, my home, my Life -- are mine. they are all God's.

& it is a constant work, a constant practice, a constant learning to let go, to not think for a minute i have a hold of anything.

just a vessel, hopefully a Light.

liturgy & rhythm.

having three little ones five & under, for Me, means not having the time to sit down & journal, or write on here, or get pictures developed, or paint a canvas....

anyhow... i am hoping to start writing here more...to Find the time to document ouyr days.

our family words for 2011 are liturgy & rhythm. (more on these later)

growing pains

it is quiet here this morning.

ruby is taking her short morning nap & my boys are with my parents for the day. they spent the night with them last night, the first time since before ruby came to join us, & i thought i would relish in the quiet. in not having to convince my five year old to go back to bed time & time again. to not have to get up to get my three year old a sip of soymilk in the middle of the night. to not have to wake matthew so he could go & lay down with both of them because they're up again, & i'm nursing ruby.

instead of basking in the quiet last night, i felt awkward. not sure what to do -- do i paint? do i sleep? do we just hang out? we opted for sharing dinner together & hanging out, a low-key evening that was definitely enjoyable & lovely.

but i kept waking up. at 3AM i toyed with the idea of just staying up, but i knew if i did that i would be a mess by the time i got to work tonight. so i just welcomed the waking, said a prayer for my boys, for my Love, for my little girl, for myself.

i ask, i always ask, for more patience, more kindness, more self-control, more Joy shining through my face. do they know i enJoy them? or do they only see my frustrations? do they know they make my heart sing songs i never knew it could sing? or do they only see my tired eyes?

i am enjoying, basking in the quiet today. i am praying. a LOT. i want them to see the joy in my heart every day. i want them to know in their deepest place that i love them completely, unconditionally, regardless of the days events. regardless of my exhaustion. in spite of my brokeness.

what a beautiful, growing gift my children are to me.

i am learning to welcome the growing pains.

ruby, 10.5 weeks

sunrise

You can
die for it--
an idea,
or the world. People

have done so,
brilliantly,
letting
their small bodies be bound

to the stake,
creating
an unforgettable
fury of light. But

this morning,
climbing the familiar hills
in the familiar
fabric of dawn, I thought

of China,
and India
and Europe, and I thought
how the sun

blazes
for everyone just
so joyfully
as it rises

under the lashes
of my own eyes, and I thought
I am so many!
What is my name?

What is the name
of the deep breath I would take
over and over
for all of us? Call it

whatever you want, it is
happiness, it is another one
of the ways to enter
fire.

(mary oliver)

pulling away

i'm a bundle of emotions lately, as i always am a few weeks before i return to working outside the home. i am only gone for twentyish hours a week, but it weighs heavily on me, trying to always strike that balance. for me, it has always been good to have a little work-time away from home. i'm a little more sane. but it is exhausting, & i am tired already, though not as tired as i thought i would be. during this time especially, i feel a great need to stay away from the computer, to not squander my time away during the day doing anything other than Being with my children, even if we are all cranky because it's super hot & has been for awhile. how do you cool an old house down, when it's 88 degrees inside in the middle of the night with the air conditioner on & fans going?

i pray for rain. and lots of it.