growing pains

it is quiet here this morning.

ruby is taking her short morning nap & my boys are with my parents for the day. they spent the night with them last night, the first time since before ruby came to join us, & i thought i would relish in the quiet. in not having to convince my five year old to go back to bed time & time again. to not have to get up to get my three year old a sip of soymilk in the middle of the night. to not have to wake matthew so he could go & lay down with both of them because they're up again, & i'm nursing ruby.

instead of basking in the quiet last night, i felt awkward. not sure what to do -- do i paint? do i sleep? do we just hang out? we opted for sharing dinner together & hanging out, a low-key evening that was definitely enjoyable & lovely.

but i kept waking up. at 3AM i toyed with the idea of just staying up, but i knew if i did that i would be a mess by the time i got to work tonight. so i just welcomed the waking, said a prayer for my boys, for my Love, for my little girl, for myself.

i ask, i always ask, for more patience, more kindness, more self-control, more Joy shining through my face. do they know i enJoy them? or do they only see my frustrations? do they know they make my heart sing songs i never knew it could sing? or do they only see my tired eyes?

i am enjoying, basking in the quiet today. i am praying. a LOT. i want them to see the joy in my heart every day. i want them to know in their deepest place that i love them completely, unconditionally, regardless of the days events. regardless of my exhaustion. in spite of my brokeness.

what a beautiful, growing gift my children are to me.

i am learning to welcome the growing pains.