liturgy & rhythm.

having three little ones five & under, for Me, means not having the time to sit down & journal, or write on here, or get pictures developed, or paint a canvas....

anyhow... i am hoping to start writing here more...to Find the time to document ouyr days.

our family words for 2011 are liturgy & rhythm. (more on these later)

growing pains

it is quiet here this morning.

ruby is taking her short morning nap & my boys are with my parents for the day. they spent the night with them last night, the first time since before ruby came to join us, & i thought i would relish in the quiet. in not having to convince my five year old to go back to bed time & time again. to not have to get up to get my three year old a sip of soymilk in the middle of the night. to not have to wake matthew so he could go & lay down with both of them because they're up again, & i'm nursing ruby.

instead of basking in the quiet last night, i felt awkward. not sure what to do -- do i paint? do i sleep? do we just hang out? we opted for sharing dinner together & hanging out, a low-key evening that was definitely enjoyable & lovely.

but i kept waking up. at 3AM i toyed with the idea of just staying up, but i knew if i did that i would be a mess by the time i got to work tonight. so i just welcomed the waking, said a prayer for my boys, for my Love, for my little girl, for myself.

i ask, i always ask, for more patience, more kindness, more self-control, more Joy shining through my face. do they know i enJoy them? or do they only see my frustrations? do they know they make my heart sing songs i never knew it could sing? or do they only see my tired eyes?

i am enjoying, basking in the quiet today. i am praying. a LOT. i want them to see the joy in my heart every day. i want them to know in their deepest place that i love them completely, unconditionally, regardless of the days events. regardless of my exhaustion. in spite of my brokeness.

what a beautiful, growing gift my children are to me.

i am learning to welcome the growing pains.

ruby, 10.5 weeks

sunrise

You can
die for it--
an idea,
or the world. People

have done so,
brilliantly,
letting
their small bodies be bound

to the stake,
creating
an unforgettable
fury of light. But

this morning,
climbing the familiar hills
in the familiar
fabric of dawn, I thought

of China,
and India
and Europe, and I thought
how the sun

blazes
for everyone just
so joyfully
as it rises

under the lashes
of my own eyes, and I thought
I am so many!
What is my name?

What is the name
of the deep breath I would take
over and over
for all of us? Call it

whatever you want, it is
happiness, it is another one
of the ways to enter
fire.

(mary oliver)

pulling away

i'm a bundle of emotions lately, as i always am a few weeks before i return to working outside the home. i am only gone for twentyish hours a week, but it weighs heavily on me, trying to always strike that balance. for me, it has always been good to have a little work-time away from home. i'm a little more sane. but it is exhausting, & i am tired already, though not as tired as i thought i would be. during this time especially, i feel a great need to stay away from the computer, to not squander my time away during the day doing anything other than Being with my children, even if we are all cranky because it's super hot & has been for awhile. how do you cool an old house down, when it's 88 degrees inside in the middle of the night with the air conditioner on & fans going?

i pray for rain. and lots of it.

noah is five.

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons are like birds, flying upward over the mountain
(iron & wine)

noah was two days old when he heard this song; it was part of our routine, to put on a record when we were rocking him or when i was nursing him. & when he was a little older, i would swing & sway to whatever we put on, standing close so he could watch the record spin. today he is five & still completely absorbed in records. he has more vinyl than i ever did; & while there are some he doesn't listen to really, most of it he does. i gave him two more apple 45's today, & i don't think he's put them down yet.

i can't believe it's been five years already. five years since i counted his fingers & toes a million times. i was such a nervous new mama, & definitely passed along some of my anxiety to him. but each day, each year, he is growing in his confidence. he is smarter than i ever imagined a five year old would be. his ridiculous, photographic memory can be intense sometimes. he is headstrong & obsessive about what he loves, and his laughter makes my eyes sparkle. he is such a joy. a hard joy, sometimes. but a true, honest, gritty, messy, beautiful joy.

i am so, so lucky.

hair.

my hair tries to teach me things, spiritually.
i'm serious!

but i don't listen much.
or try to hear other things.