ruby's birth.

i had just gone back to bed after getting up to use the bathroom & get another drink of water. i was a bothered because i *had* to pee again! so, i rolled out of bed again & as soon as i stood up, i realised i didn't have to pee; my water had broke! i did a quiet little happy dance all the way back to the bathroom to check & see if there was mec in the waters or if it was clear, & when it was clear i did another little happy dance. it was 2.30 in the morning on friday, april 23rd, and i was 42 weeks & 5 days pregnant.

i gathered myself a bit & woke matthew up, telling him my water had finally broke. he hopped up & started sweeping the floor. (for some reason i asked him weeks before that when i told him i was in labor it would be awesome if he would sweep the floors!) i called grace, my midwife, to let her know. (she was pregnant too, & ended up having her own little girl five days after i gave birth. the night before, we had discussed a ton of different scenarios, and what we were going to do about them... if she went into labor when she was attending my birth, if she had her baby before i had mine, etc etc...) she did a happy dance too! we talked for a few minutes & i told her i would call her back when things started to pick up.

matthew & i hung out, got some things together for the boys, made coffee, did some dishes... just sort of puttered around the house a bit for a few hours. i sat on the balance ball a lot, & was having contractions that seemed regular, (we haven't *timed* contractions with any of my births), but they weren't too intense. finally though, around 5 am, i decided to call my parents to come & pick up the boys. as soon as they were pulling out of the driveway with the boys, the surges definitely got more intense. i called our doula around 6, and grace again around 6.30.

matthew turned some music on (of course i didn't want the birth mix i had worked on, now!) & i set myself up in the dining room, sitting on the ball & leaning onto a stack of pillows on the table. matthew sat with me, holding my hands, through each contraction. it was really divine, to have a little bit of time to labor with just matthew. we would talk or just look at each other in between the contractions, & it just felt very sacred.

i didn't hear eileen come in, but she put her hands on my back & helped release my hips a little during a contraction. it was great to have her here; she has such a gentle voice & a very mother-earthy-lovely presence about her. she was a little more chatty than i expected, but i knew that my senses were extremely heightened so it didn't really bother me. when grace showed up, she just sat across from me at the table, holding the space & observing while i was working. i was very quiet & wasn't being vocal throughout the contractions this time, even though they seemed
to be just as intense as they were when i was birthing jonah. i was really, really focused on my breathing & praying through each surge. i stood up once for grace to get a listen to ruby, and noticed my legs were shaking. i thought maybe i was in transition but then thought there was no way; i was too lucid & things weren't that intense yet.

around 9 am, i got up to use the restroom & when i came out eileen & grace were putting the kettle on for tea. we all talked for a few minutes about tea & i said i was hungry so matthew gave me a granola bar to munch on. we walked around the house a bit, trying to decide what to listen to, & just chit-chatted for a good twenty minutes. i remember looking at the clock & seeing how light we were all being & thinking that i had at least 3 or 4 more hours to go... & then, at 9.30, i sat back down on the balance ball & the next contraction was much more powerful. i wasn't comfortable sitting so i stood up. grace asked me where i wanted to have ruby & i said the living room (we sleep on the futon there), & so she said it'd probably be a good idea to make our way there. i kind of laughed at her, thinking there was no way i was close to having ruby, i mean i couldn't *feel* her the way i had felt jonah moving down... & things just didn't feel heavy enough. (& we didn't do any cervical checks because i was group B + & didn't want to have any unless grace felt it was necessary). but anyway, i took a step towards the living room & had another intense contraction -- those lovely double peaks with little recovery time -- & with every step another surge came. it took me almost an hour to take 10 steps!

once i reached the bed, i tried sitting on my hands & knees but wasn't comfortable. i leaned over the ball on the bed, but wasn't comfortable with that either. i told grace i wanted to lay down, and eileen sat at my feet & had me put one foot on her shoulder. immediately my body just started pushing like a mad woman, & i started screaming (grace, eileen & matthew all say i wasn't screaming, but just sounding really primal & really serious about birthing ruby. but my voice was hoarse the rest of the day!) in one push i could feel ruby come down & eileen mentioned she was going to support my perineum with some sweet almond oil on a washcloth. grace sat up right beside me. with the next push i felt ruby's head come out, & just then eileen said i had pushed her out to her cheeks. for some reason, this really freaked me out & i closed my eyes & i must have looked upset or scared, because grace very gently told me to open my eyes & to look at her; that ruby was fine & with the next contraction she would be out so to just focus on that & not worry about her. (i had asked grace to keep me present when i was pushing ruby out, because with jonah i was still so torn about the women i knew who had lost their babies during childbirth that i just Wanted Him Out & pushed with the mindset that i needed to get him out so that i knew he was okay... & i wanted to let that go this time & trust God & my body that ruby would be how she was supposed to be, whatever that looked like.) grace's words definitely grounded me & with the next push ruby was here. it was 10.55. she didn't make a sound, just looked around & i just sat there for a few moments talking to her & touching her, asking her to stay in her body, & then i picked her up & brought her to my chest. her cord had been wrapped loosely around her neck once. about 20 minutes later i pushed the placenta out. it had a few very large blood clots in it & a few calcifications. (grace was pretty certain the clots were formed after
i had birthed ruby). after another hour or so matthew clamped & cut the umbilical cord & grace prepared my placenta so i could make placenta smoothies everyday for a few months.after that, she prepared the most wonderful herb bath for me & checked me before i went to soak; no tearing! i had tears with noah & jonah & was shocked that i didn't tear this time. i also had a cervical prolapse with jonah's birth, and this time there was nothing like that.

i took my bath, fell asleep in it for about half an hour, got out & dressed & went back to bed with my new & perfect little girl.



She is more precious than rubies,
and none of the things you desire can compare with her.
Long life is in her right hand;
in her left hand are riches and honor.
Her ways are very pleasant,
and all her paths are peaceful.
She is like a tree of life to those who obtain her,
and everyone who grasps hold of her will be blessed.

proverbs 3:15-18

nine days.

she's been here nine days & it's as if she has been with us always, well, because she has. & of course there are growing pains with every transition, with every new being under the same roof, sharing the same air & spoons & attention... but so far it has been a relatively smooth ride. i see in her a tenderness, a wisdom, a peace. & the amazing ability to sleep through all the noise her brothers can possibly make.

so everything's new again & everything is the same.

& it may be a little too early to say for sure, but i think all the waiting, the longing... & waiting again for her arrival gave birth in me a new found pocket of patience.

or maybe it's the placenta smoothies.

ruby june.

born at home
april 23, 2010
10.55 am
8 lbs, 22 inches

a little dress for ruby

dear ruby,

i bought this dress for you last week. i fell in love with the colors & even though you don't need another dress, i just had to buy it.

please come soon! i love carrying you inside, but i am growing impatient, wanting to kiss your little fingers & nurse you. i am ready for all those sleepless nights again.

love always,
your very most extremely pregnant mama
(42 weeks, 4 days)

in the meantime...

dear ruby,

i mopped the floors this morning.

i love you!
please come soon, otherwise i'll have to mop again.

love,
mama

40 weeks, 7 days

39 weeks, 6 days.

dear ruby,

are you waiting for me to mop the floors before you'll come? i know i promised mopped floors, but i keep forgetting or just don't feel like it once everyone is in bed for the night. the house is clean, we've got lots of food around, the birth pool is in the kitchen if we decide we want to use it, & i love you. we love you & can't wait to see your beautiful face! & fingers & toes & bellies, too.

love always,
mama

waiting.

Waiting

Dear Baby, here beneath my heart,
I thought that you might come today;
The timing seemed just right.

But the stars are out
And the moon is high
And sheepishly I wonder why
I try to arrange the plans
Of God.

For now I know
You will not come
Until the One who holds eternity
Rustles your soft cocoon
And whispers in tones that I will not hear,
“It’s time, precious gift.”

“Now it’s time.”

-by Robin Jones Gunn




:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

i did not think ruby was coming tonight, but i've entered that state of waiting. of doing the dishes, and waiting. doing the laundry, taking walks, playing, coloring, sleeping, bathing, cooking, eating, praying, and waiting. it is a holy time.

the forty days.

i have entered the overly emotional, overly analytical, overly tired, overly thirsty, pants-are-no-longer-comfortable phase of pregnancy.

my apologies to everyone in advance.

& i just ordered two skirts with express shipping. as soon as they arrive i don't plan on wearing pants again until well after ruby june is born.

trusting the snow.

two minutes after leaving for work i knew i probably shouldn't have been on the road, the snow was so thick & our roads had not been plowed yet. but, i made it to work & it only took a few hours for me to convince ruby that all was well & mama just needed some tea. came home early, same crazy drive home, same small test for me in truly trusting God, in truly, really, giving Him my worries & my concerns & letting that be It... letting them be His & resting in the peace that Is. it is a small thing for some but a huge thing for me, wrestling with total trust when it comes to some things. i often see problems that aren't even there, that just may Happen To Be. i tend to visit the worst case scenarios First, and then work my way backwards. i internalize other people's realities sometimes & let that affect the perspective of my own. so today i am praying that i get over my fear of my due date, which is the same day that a good friend lost her own little one in birth. i don't believe the day to be jinxed or to be anything other than Her day, really. i don't want to touch that sacred time. so any day other than that one, i ask ruby, i ask God. but the day & the time is Their decision, not mine. i am merely supposed to be present, to be open, to embrace the process & to Trust. & to once again remember that my children are not My children, they are God's.


Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

(kahlil gibran)



& how heavy, how thick the snow is outside. more snow than i can remember over the last few years, maybe even since we've been here. grateful for matthew being home this week, for mySelf not having to go to work tomorrow, for hot coffee & warm dinners & for singing my babies to sleep.

& so grateful that each day has enough worry of its own, & how i am learning to rest in that, in being Right Here, in being as present as i can, for whatever the day brings. & allowing tomorrow to be tomorrow.

thirty two weeks.

tunnel vision

it is so hard to juggle parenting my lovely little boys & being a wife, a friend, a co-worker, a daughter, a sister, etc.... when all i want to do right now is talk to ruby & think about our upcoming birth & scrub the bathroom tiles with a toothbrush. this tunnel vision always comes, as the end of my pregnancy nears, & i find myself feeling both extremely selfish & like no one could possibly understand this mindset; even though it's the state of pretty much every mama's mind near the end of her pregnancy.

so, there is a daily, hourly, moment-by-moment practice of Getting Over Myself. & trusting that hey, this is the third time i will be giving birth & while every birth is it's own journey, i have a pretty decent track record.

i am at once amazed at the thought of having three children, scared to death, delighted by it all, feeling so lucky to have such a wonderful husband, to have dear friends that understand how we Try to parent & raise our children, our Selves.

there is so much known & so much unknown.

& that is what it's all about.


"At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a
disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of
my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong,
stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see
myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up
at a job that they will never see finished, to work on
something that their name will never be on.
The writer of the book went so far as to say that no
cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there
are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the
friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My
mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies,
and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and
presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built
a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to
come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his
friend, to add, "You're gonna love it here."

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We
cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it
is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at
what we have built, but also at the beauty that has
been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible
women.

May the passion of your building be fueled by your
faith that the eyes of God see everything."

(my cousin sent this to me in an email several years ago. this is just an excerpt)