pilgrim eyes.

i feel so full lately. i try to sit down to write in my paper journal or Here, and i just feel too full & like i'll explode into a million little pretty pieces if i actually write it all down. it's a weird & good feeling.

there are these little(big) things, like how i've noticed the subtle changes in Noah's face... how he's growing up & gaining confidence in himself & there are these moments where the joy in his eyes is almost too much. he will be five(FIVE! 5!) in just a few weeks & it's safe to say i'm pretty shocked this time has gone so quickly.

& jonah, he's my own billy eliot & ridiculously funny & very,very stubborn & headstrong. he's taken to asserting himself pretty strongly at times since ruby was born, & we're still trying to figure out the best way to deal with that.

ruby june, who taught me so much about patience while i, while we, waited for her, sleeps through all the noise two little boys make & squeaks, purrs & hums when the house is quiet. she has this amazing smile where her half-moon eyes close & turn up & her mouth opens into a half-giggle half-smile, and she sleeps so well i don't even want to talk about it. but after having both boys that were up every two hours to nurse, and especially jonah, who nursed every two hours through the night until he weaned himself this last fall, i say a grateful prayer every time ruby snoozes away for anything more than two hours at a time.

matthew, whose steadiness guides me along when i'm having a particularly emotional or hormone-driven crazy day, who keeps the diaper laundry going (& there is so much diaper laundry right now with two in cloth), who always asks me what i want to eat & makes sure i'm getting good foods in my belly... his smile really does just make everything better. there are days when i count the minutes til he gets home, and it's not just so i can have a break with the kids. i really do miss him, he brings so much joy inside, we are a team & we work best when we work together, i think. of course we are all still adjusting to the new Newness, to yet another transition, to the heat of the impending summer, & many other things, but we are in this together & there is not a day i don't give thanks for that really huge detail.

& the peonies, how they filled my home with the most beautiful scent. how i want my arm covered in peonies & maybe in a few months i'll sit down for more tattoo work, to finish what i started. peonies & lillies & st. john the baptist & his gnarly hair, feet... that charley harper hummingbird & maybe one of his owls, too. how Divine, truly, the breeze is at night, coming through the windows. how i'm glad i don't have everything i want. how things keep breaking, like our sink & our toilet & the downspouts & my teeth & how the porch roof leaks & how none of this matters. it's all still beautiful. it all gets fixed, or not. & life is still beautiful.

& sometimes my days are all about survival. sometimes my voice is louder than it should be. sometimes i talk too much & pick at my children as if they were my peers & Not My Children, my precious gifts that are just that, gifts. sometimes i have to ask for their forgiveness more than once. sometimes mama needs her own little break in the bathroom or on the porch to get herSelf Together. & yet their eyes still melt my heart during those times, and they accept my apologies with a divine gentleness & a Knowing...a knowing that i hope is a buffer from my brokeness, sometimes. we were given to each other, we are in this together. they are more my teachers, my guides, than i feel like i could ever be for them. but that is what i am called to be -- their guide, their teacher, their Mother, their mama.


& this is life, this is Love -- this is Messy. & it is beautiful.

& i am grateful.