pulling away

i'm a bundle of emotions lately, as i always am a few weeks before i return to working outside the home. i am only gone for twentyish hours a week, but it weighs heavily on me, trying to always strike that balance. for me, it has always been good to have a little work-time away from home. i'm a little more sane. but it is exhausting, & i am tired already, though not as tired as i thought i would be. during this time especially, i feel a great need to stay away from the computer, to not squander my time away during the day doing anything other than Being with my children, even if we are all cranky because it's super hot & has been for awhile. how do you cool an old house down, when it's 88 degrees inside in the middle of the night with the air conditioner on & fans going?

i pray for rain. and lots of it.

noah is five.

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons are like birds, flying upward over the mountain
(iron & wine)

noah was two days old when he heard this song; it was part of our routine, to put on a record when we were rocking him or when i was nursing him. & when he was a little older, i would swing & sway to whatever we put on, standing close so he could watch the record spin. today he is five & still completely absorbed in records. he has more vinyl than i ever did; & while there are some he doesn't listen to really, most of it he does. i gave him two more apple 45's today, & i don't think he's put them down yet.

i can't believe it's been five years already. five years since i counted his fingers & toes a million times. i was such a nervous new mama, & definitely passed along some of my anxiety to him. but each day, each year, he is growing in his confidence. he is smarter than i ever imagined a five year old would be. his ridiculous, photographic memory can be intense sometimes. he is headstrong & obsessive about what he loves, and his laughter makes my eyes sparkle. he is such a joy. a hard joy, sometimes. but a true, honest, gritty, messy, beautiful joy.

i am so, so lucky.

hair.

my hair tries to teach me things, spiritually.
i'm serious!

but i don't listen much.
or try to hear other things.