ruby, 10.5 weeks

sunrise

You can
die for it--
an idea,
or the world. People

have done so,
brilliantly,
letting
their small bodies be bound

to the stake,
creating
an unforgettable
fury of light. But

this morning,
climbing the familiar hills
in the familiar
fabric of dawn, I thought

of China,
and India
and Europe, and I thought
how the sun

blazes
for everyone just
so joyfully
as it rises

under the lashes
of my own eyes, and I thought
I am so many!
What is my name?

What is the name
of the deep breath I would take
over and over
for all of us? Call it

whatever you want, it is
happiness, it is another one
of the ways to enter
fire.

(mary oliver)

noah is five.

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons are like birds, flying upward over the mountain
(iron & wine)

noah was two days old when he heard this song; it was part of our routine, to put on a record when we were rocking him or when i was nursing him. & when he was a little older, i would swing & sway to whatever we put on, standing close so he could watch the record spin. today he is five & still completely absorbed in records. he has more vinyl than i ever did; & while there are some he doesn't listen to really, most of it he does. i gave him two more apple 45's today, & i don't think he's put them down yet.

i can't believe it's been five years already. five years since i counted his fingers & toes a million times. i was such a nervous new mama, & definitely passed along some of my anxiety to him. but each day, each year, he is growing in his confidence. he is smarter than i ever imagined a five year old would be. his ridiculous, photographic memory can be intense sometimes. he is headstrong & obsessive about what he loves, and his laughter makes my eyes sparkle. he is such a joy. a hard joy, sometimes. but a true, honest, gritty, messy, beautiful joy.

i am so, so lucky.

ruby june.

born at home
april 23, 2010
10.55 am
8 lbs, 22 inches

40 weeks, 7 days

39 weeks, 6 days.

dear ruby,

are you waiting for me to mop the floors before you'll come? i know i promised mopped floors, but i keep forgetting or just don't feel like it once everyone is in bed for the night. the house is clean, we've got lots of food around, the birth pool is in the kitchen if we decide we want to use it, & i love you. we love you & can't wait to see your beautiful face! & fingers & toes & bellies, too.

love always,
mama

35 weeks

thirty two weeks.

here we go, again.

(our first picture of all of us since christmas 2007~!)


& so it goes, it is time for something new. a new phase in life. i hope to use this space with intention. i hope to write down what i'd like to remember. i have hope!

& the sunrise is gorgeous this morning.