tunnel vision

it is so hard to juggle parenting my lovely little boys & being a wife, a friend, a co-worker, a daughter, a sister, etc.... when all i want to do right now is talk to ruby & think about our upcoming birth & scrub the bathroom tiles with a toothbrush. this tunnel vision always comes, as the end of my pregnancy nears, & i find myself feeling both extremely selfish & like no one could possibly understand this mindset; even though it's the state of pretty much every mama's mind near the end of her pregnancy.

so, there is a daily, hourly, moment-by-moment practice of Getting Over Myself. & trusting that hey, this is the third time i will be giving birth & while every birth is it's own journey, i have a pretty decent track record.

i am at once amazed at the thought of having three children, scared to death, delighted by it all, feeling so lucky to have such a wonderful husband, to have dear friends that understand how we Try to parent & raise our children, our Selves.

there is so much known & so much unknown.

& that is what it's all about.


"At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a
disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of
my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong,
stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see
myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up
at a job that they will never see finished, to work on
something that their name will never be on.
The writer of the book went so far as to say that no
cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there
are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the
friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My
mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies,
and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and
presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built
a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to
come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his
friend, to add, "You're gonna love it here."

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We
cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it
is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at
what we have built, but also at the beauty that has
been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible
women.

May the passion of your building be fueled by your
faith that the eyes of God see everything."

(my cousin sent this to me in an email several years ago. this is just an excerpt)