ruby's birth.

i had just gone back to bed after getting up to use the bathroom & get another drink of water. i was a bothered because i *had* to pee again! so, i rolled out of bed again & as soon as i stood up, i realised i didn't have to pee; my water had broke! i did a quiet little happy dance all the way back to the bathroom to check & see if there was mec in the waters or if it was clear, & when it was clear i did another little happy dance. it was 2.30 in the morning on friday, april 23rd, and i was 42 weeks & 5 days pregnant.

i gathered myself a bit & woke matthew up, telling him my water had finally broke. he hopped up & started sweeping the floor. (for some reason i asked him weeks before that when i told him i was in labor it would be awesome if he would sweep the floors!) i called grace, my midwife, to let her know. (she was pregnant too, & ended up having her own little girl five days after i gave birth. the night before, we had discussed a ton of different scenarios, and what we were going to do about them... if she went into labor when she was attending my birth, if she had her baby before i had mine, etc etc...) she did a happy dance too! we talked for a few minutes & i told her i would call her back when things started to pick up.

matthew & i hung out, got some things together for the boys, made coffee, did some dishes... just sort of puttered around the house a bit for a few hours. i sat on the balance ball a lot, & was having contractions that seemed regular, (we haven't *timed* contractions with any of my births), but they weren't too intense. finally though, around 5 am, i decided to call my parents to come & pick up the boys. as soon as they were pulling out of the driveway with the boys, the surges definitely got more intense. i called our doula around 6, and grace again around 6.30.

matthew turned some music on (of course i didn't want the birth mix i had worked on, now!) & i set myself up in the dining room, sitting on the ball & leaning onto a stack of pillows on the table. matthew sat with me, holding my hands, through each contraction. it was really divine, to have a little bit of time to labor with just matthew. we would talk or just look at each other in between the contractions, & it just felt very sacred.

i didn't hear eileen come in, but she put her hands on my back & helped release my hips a little during a contraction. it was great to have her here; she has such a gentle voice & a very mother-earthy-lovely presence about her. she was a little more chatty than i expected, but i knew that my senses were extremely heightened so it didn't really bother me. when grace showed up, she just sat across from me at the table, holding the space & observing while i was working. i was very quiet & wasn't being vocal throughout the contractions this time, even though they seemed
to be just as intense as they were when i was birthing jonah. i was really, really focused on my breathing & praying through each surge. i stood up once for grace to get a listen to ruby, and noticed my legs were shaking. i thought maybe i was in transition but then thought there was no way; i was too lucid & things weren't that intense yet.

around 9 am, i got up to use the restroom & when i came out eileen & grace were putting the kettle on for tea. we all talked for a few minutes about tea & i said i was hungry so matthew gave me a granola bar to munch on. we walked around the house a bit, trying to decide what to listen to, & just chit-chatted for a good twenty minutes. i remember looking at the clock & seeing how light we were all being & thinking that i had at least 3 or 4 more hours to go... & then, at 9.30, i sat back down on the balance ball & the next contraction was much more powerful. i wasn't comfortable sitting so i stood up. grace asked me where i wanted to have ruby & i said the living room (we sleep on the futon there), & so she said it'd probably be a good idea to make our way there. i kind of laughed at her, thinking there was no way i was close to having ruby, i mean i couldn't *feel* her the way i had felt jonah moving down... & things just didn't feel heavy enough. (& we didn't do any cervical checks because i was group B + & didn't want to have any unless grace felt it was necessary). but anyway, i took a step towards the living room & had another intense contraction -- those lovely double peaks with little recovery time -- & with every step another surge came. it took me almost an hour to take 10 steps!

once i reached the bed, i tried sitting on my hands & knees but wasn't comfortable. i leaned over the ball on the bed, but wasn't comfortable with that either. i told grace i wanted to lay down, and eileen sat at my feet & had me put one foot on her shoulder. immediately my body just started pushing like a mad woman, & i started screaming (grace, eileen & matthew all say i wasn't screaming, but just sounding really primal & really serious about birthing ruby. but my voice was hoarse the rest of the day!) in one push i could feel ruby come down & eileen mentioned she was going to support my perineum with some sweet almond oil on a washcloth. grace sat up right beside me. with the next push i felt ruby's head come out, & just then eileen said i had pushed her out to her cheeks. for some reason, this really freaked me out & i closed my eyes & i must have looked upset or scared, because grace very gently told me to open my eyes & to look at her; that ruby was fine & with the next contraction she would be out so to just focus on that & not worry about her. (i had asked grace to keep me present when i was pushing ruby out, because with jonah i was still so torn about the women i knew who had lost their babies during childbirth that i just Wanted Him Out & pushed with the mindset that i needed to get him out so that i knew he was okay... & i wanted to let that go this time & trust God & my body that ruby would be how she was supposed to be, whatever that looked like.) grace's words definitely grounded me & with the next push ruby was here. it was 10.55. she didn't make a sound, just looked around & i just sat there for a few moments talking to her & touching her, asking her to stay in her body, & then i picked her up & brought her to my chest. her cord had been wrapped loosely around her neck once. about 20 minutes later i pushed the placenta out. it had a few very large blood clots in it & a few calcifications. (grace was pretty certain the clots were formed after
i had birthed ruby). after another hour or so matthew clamped & cut the umbilical cord & grace prepared my placenta so i could make placenta smoothies everyday for a few months.after that, she prepared the most wonderful herb bath for me & checked me before i went to soak; no tearing! i had tears with noah & jonah & was shocked that i didn't tear this time. i also had a cervical prolapse with jonah's birth, and this time there was nothing like that.

i took my bath, fell asleep in it for about half an hour, got out & dressed & went back to bed with my new & perfect little girl.



She is more precious than rubies,
and none of the things you desire can compare with her.
Long life is in her right hand;
in her left hand are riches and honor.
Her ways are very pleasant,
and all her paths are peaceful.
She is like a tree of life to those who obtain her,
and everyone who grasps hold of her will be blessed.

proverbs 3:15-18

happy mother's day

TO WASH A CHILD
by Pablo Neruda

Only the most ancient love on earth
will wash and comb the statue of the children,
straighten the feet and knees.
The water rises, the soap slithers,
and the pure body comes up to breathe
the air of flowers and motherhood.

Oh, the sharp watchfulness,
the sweet deception,
the lukewarm struggle!

Now the hair is a tangled
pelt criscrossed by charcoal,
by sawdust and oil,
soot, wiring, crabs,
until love, in its patience,
sets up buckets and sponges,
combs and towels,
and, out of scrubbing and combing, amber,
primal scrupulousness, jasmines,
has emerged the child, newer still,
running from the mother's arms
to clamber again on its cyclone,
go looking for mud, oil, urine and ink,
hurt itself, roll about on the stones.
Thus, newly washed, the child springs into life,
for later, it will have time for nothing more
than keeping clean, but with the life lacking.

i have found such joy

I have found such joy in simple things;
A plain, clean room, a nut-brown loaf of bread
A cup of milk, a kettle as it sings,
The shelter of a roof above my head,
And in a leaf-laced square along the floor,
Where yellow sunlight glimmers through a door.



I have found such joy in things that fill
My quiet days: a curtain's blowing grace,
A potted plant upon my window sill,
A rose, fresh-cut and placed within a vase;
A table cleared, a lamp beside a chair,
And books I long have loved beside me there.



Oh, I have found such joys I wish I might
Tell every woman who goes seeking far
For some elusive, feverish delight,
That very close to home the great joys are:
The elemental things-- old as the race,
Yet never, through the ages, commonplace.



(Grace Noll Crowell)

nine days.

she's been here nine days & it's as if she has been with us always, well, because she has. & of course there are growing pains with every transition, with every new being under the same roof, sharing the same air & spoons & attention... but so far it has been a relatively smooth ride. i see in her a tenderness, a wisdom, a peace. & the amazing ability to sleep through all the noise her brothers can possibly make.

so everything's new again & everything is the same.

& it may be a little too early to say for sure, but i think all the waiting, the longing... & waiting again for her arrival gave birth in me a new found pocket of patience.

or maybe it's the placenta smoothies.

ruby june.

born at home
april 23, 2010
10.55 am
8 lbs, 22 inches

a little dress for ruby

dear ruby,

i bought this dress for you last week. i fell in love with the colors & even though you don't need another dress, i just had to buy it.

please come soon! i love carrying you inside, but i am growing impatient, wanting to kiss your little fingers & nurse you. i am ready for all those sleepless nights again.

love always,
your very most extremely pregnant mama
(42 weeks, 4 days)

in the meantime...

dear ruby,

i mopped the floors this morning.

i love you!
please come soon, otherwise i'll have to mop again.

love,
mama