sunrise

You can
die for it--
an idea,
or the world. People

have done so,
brilliantly,
letting
their small bodies be bound

to the stake,
creating
an unforgettable
fury of light. But

this morning,
climbing the familiar hills
in the familiar
fabric of dawn, I thought

of China,
and India
and Europe, and I thought
how the sun

blazes
for everyone just
so joyfully
as it rises

under the lashes
of my own eyes, and I thought
I am so many!
What is my name?

What is the name
of the deep breath I would take
over and over
for all of us? Call it

whatever you want, it is
happiness, it is another one
of the ways to enter
fire.

(mary oliver)

pulling away

i'm a bundle of emotions lately, as i always am a few weeks before i return to working outside the home. i am only gone for twentyish hours a week, but it weighs heavily on me, trying to always strike that balance. for me, it has always been good to have a little work-time away from home. i'm a little more sane. but it is exhausting, & i am tired already, though not as tired as i thought i would be. during this time especially, i feel a great need to stay away from the computer, to not squander my time away during the day doing anything other than Being with my children, even if we are all cranky because it's super hot & has been for awhile. how do you cool an old house down, when it's 88 degrees inside in the middle of the night with the air conditioner on & fans going?

i pray for rain. and lots of it.

noah is five.

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons are like birds, flying upward over the mountain
(iron & wine)

noah was two days old when he heard this song; it was part of our routine, to put on a record when we were rocking him or when i was nursing him. & when he was a little older, i would swing & sway to whatever we put on, standing close so he could watch the record spin. today he is five & still completely absorbed in records. he has more vinyl than i ever did; & while there are some he doesn't listen to really, most of it he does. i gave him two more apple 45's today, & i don't think he's put them down yet.

i can't believe it's been five years already. five years since i counted his fingers & toes a million times. i was such a nervous new mama, & definitely passed along some of my anxiety to him. but each day, each year, he is growing in his confidence. he is smarter than i ever imagined a five year old would be. his ridiculous, photographic memory can be intense sometimes. he is headstrong & obsessive about what he loves, and his laughter makes my eyes sparkle. he is such a joy. a hard joy, sometimes. but a true, honest, gritty, messy, beautiful joy.

i am so, so lucky.

hair.

my hair tries to teach me things, spiritually.
i'm serious!

but i don't listen much.
or try to hear other things.

it's all vanity.

the house is a steady 81 degrees at night, maybe dipping a few degrees lower just before sunrise. fans in strategic windows to pull in the cooler night air, giving thanks for this weather even though i haven't adjusted to the heat yet. little ruby gets prickly heat on her neck, face, arms, as the days get warmer & warmer. i was the same way, and still turn every shade of pink & red during the summer months. maybe a dozen more freckles, maybe my hair gets a little lighter(grayer?), but mostly i'm just pink.

i've got a handful of little notebooks going, one for this & one for that, trying to get stuff out of my Head & at least onto paper. from there? who knows. i write down what i eat, craft projects, goals, mothering things, spiritual things, menus, thoughts... it's getting more complex than it should be, probably, but putting all of this information in one journal just isn't making sense to me right now.

& we have a resident cardinal, "red" is his name says noah. he sings to us all day & hangs out on the porch railing a lot. we need to get more birdseed out.

half of my maternity leave is over already, & so i must start thinking about my return & what that means & getting a stash of milk going in the freezer. all of that good stuff. there is always transition, always change, always something going on so that i never get too comfortable.

new beginnings, starting over, everything's new, everything's the same, there's nothing new under the sun.

pilgrim eyes.

i feel so full lately. i try to sit down to write in my paper journal or Here, and i just feel too full & like i'll explode into a million little pretty pieces if i actually write it all down. it's a weird & good feeling.

there are these little(big) things, like how i've noticed the subtle changes in Noah's face... how he's growing up & gaining confidence in himself & there are these moments where the joy in his eyes is almost too much. he will be five(FIVE! 5!) in just a few weeks & it's safe to say i'm pretty shocked this time has gone so quickly.

& jonah, he's my own billy eliot & ridiculously funny & very,very stubborn & headstrong. he's taken to asserting himself pretty strongly at times since ruby was born, & we're still trying to figure out the best way to deal with that.

ruby june, who taught me so much about patience while i, while we, waited for her, sleeps through all the noise two little boys make & squeaks, purrs & hums when the house is quiet. she has this amazing smile where her half-moon eyes close & turn up & her mouth opens into a half-giggle half-smile, and she sleeps so well i don't even want to talk about it. but after having both boys that were up every two hours to nurse, and especially jonah, who nursed every two hours through the night until he weaned himself this last fall, i say a grateful prayer every time ruby snoozes away for anything more than two hours at a time.

matthew, whose steadiness guides me along when i'm having a particularly emotional or hormone-driven crazy day, who keeps the diaper laundry going (& there is so much diaper laundry right now with two in cloth), who always asks me what i want to eat & makes sure i'm getting good foods in my belly... his smile really does just make everything better. there are days when i count the minutes til he gets home, and it's not just so i can have a break with the kids. i really do miss him, he brings so much joy inside, we are a team & we work best when we work together, i think. of course we are all still adjusting to the new Newness, to yet another transition, to the heat of the impending summer, & many other things, but we are in this together & there is not a day i don't give thanks for that really huge detail.

& the peonies, how they filled my home with the most beautiful scent. how i want my arm covered in peonies & maybe in a few months i'll sit down for more tattoo work, to finish what i started. peonies & lillies & st. john the baptist & his gnarly hair, feet... that charley harper hummingbird & maybe one of his owls, too. how Divine, truly, the breeze is at night, coming through the windows. how i'm glad i don't have everything i want. how things keep breaking, like our sink & our toilet & the downspouts & my teeth & how the porch roof leaks & how none of this matters. it's all still beautiful. it all gets fixed, or not. & life is still beautiful.

& sometimes my days are all about survival. sometimes my voice is louder than it should be. sometimes i talk too much & pick at my children as if they were my peers & Not My Children, my precious gifts that are just that, gifts. sometimes i have to ask for their forgiveness more than once. sometimes mama needs her own little break in the bathroom or on the porch to get herSelf Together. & yet their eyes still melt my heart during those times, and they accept my apologies with a divine gentleness & a Knowing...a knowing that i hope is a buffer from my brokeness, sometimes. we were given to each other, we are in this together. they are more my teachers, my guides, than i feel like i could ever be for them. but that is what i am called to be -- their guide, their teacher, their Mother, their mama.


& this is life, this is Love -- this is Messy. & it is beautiful.

& i am grateful.

these days.

life is really hard & really wonderful & full of tears & full of laughter & even though sometimes i'm totally overwhelmed by it All -- the good and the bad, i wouldn't change it for anything.